Jokes
ALBUM |
Harry
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die..... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said Stupider, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose......"
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, its OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" Said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're pooing in the bed!"
Paddy
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire, very badly burnt, and the Dublin morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean,turned up. Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "God bless us, he's burnt pretty bad, isn't he? Roll him over". The mortician did as requested. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought this rather strange behaviour, so he brought Sean in to see if he could identify the body. Sean's reaction was the same as Seamus's. "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician did so."No, it ain't Paddy," said Sean. The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Y'see, Paddy had two ar**holes." "What? TWO ar**holes???" Yup, everyone knew he had two ar**holes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two ar**holes ...'." 
A blonde
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari"
George Bush and John Kerry go Ice Fishing.
It seems that the 2004 election was so close that the Electoral College vote was tied, and that Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and that the Supreme Court decided they'd better not make the decision themselves. So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Manitoba to have an ice fishing contest.No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honour to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with ten fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day, Kerry caught twenty fish and again Bush came back empty
handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and Bush still hadn't caught
any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said Bush "You're probably right. What do we
do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follows
Kerry to see what he was doing. At the end of
day 4, Bush called Cheney up and told him, "you were right, Dick, the son
of a gun is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
Naming the father for child support in England
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think
were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that
the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down
the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and
see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies
look the same to me. I can confirm that he wore a Royal Green
Jacket.
Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart.
 |
Condoms
If a short prick wears a short Condon and a long prick wears a long Condom .
What does a thick prick wear? 
Answer
They look like us
Two irishman sat in the corner of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a
huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.
Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.
'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'
'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and
everything.'
'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'
But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'
Wiremu
Wiremu, a New Zealander, went toAustralia to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well,
so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems,
and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal.
"No way doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that
testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an
expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey"."What's the cure than doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your nuts."
"Phew, thunk gud for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*st*rds wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Our own party
Paddy had followed Murphy back to his flat. Drunkenly they'd stumbled the half mile from the Jolly
Toper pub to celebrate Murphy's birthday.
'I've got it all organised,' said he, 'we'll have a party just you and I.'
Entering the Murphy residence paddy spotted the living room table covered in crates of beer and
bottles of whiskey, brandy and rum. On a plate on the side were two slices of bread.
'Is it a party we're having?' he asked.
'It is so!' answered Murphy.
Well said paddy, "whats all the bread for?"
Old Lady
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we
have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is
guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only
guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the
cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you
notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very
upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under
your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."
Messing with the Mafia
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former
accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The
accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret
for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks
the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the
trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in
my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
Attorney interprets to the Godfather, go to hell ......."you dont have the guts to pull the trigger"
No Laughing Matter
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to
laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20
years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest
willy he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten
minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but
they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to
himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the
country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home,
he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got
home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the
way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It
sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table
were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his
napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he
had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise
birthday party.
Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be
gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY pooed my pants..."
The Truck Driver and the Priest
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road.
Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud
"thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the
priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly,
the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last
minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he
knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he
glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
How Much Is?
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Joe's Barber shop
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians!
You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly
and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of
an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome
turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new
planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome,
now. They were o overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra
charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder
and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the
Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that f**king haircut?'"
A married couple
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 70 MPH, the husband
behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce"
The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 80MPH.
She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a lot better at sex
than you."
Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck. Again the husband speeds
up, now to 90 MPH.
She says "I want the car too! " but he just keeps driving faster and faster.
By now he's up to 100 MPH.
"And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards" The husband starts
to veer towards the central reservation.
This makes her a little nervous so she asks "Isn't there anything you want
dear?"
The husband replies, "No, I've got everything I need darling"
"Oh really," she says, "So what have you got?"
Just before they smash into the central reservation at 120MPH, the husband
smiles and says "The f**king airbag!"
